


the truth runs wild (like a tear down a cheek)

by ftmpeter



Series: i never promised you your dream boy [5]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Transphobia, Light Angst, Ned Leeds is a Good Bro, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Trans Male Character, Trans Peter Parker, kind of, one day i will figure out how to tag things, today is not that day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-05
Updated: 2019-12-05
Packaged: 2021-02-24 15:34:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21620278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ftmpeter/pseuds/ftmpeter
Summary: That’s the misconception that bothers Peter the most. He didn’t suddenly wake up one day anddecideto be a boy. He didn’t shrug his shoulders and thinkyou know what, I’m bored, I should be transgender.And if everyone could stop acting like that's how it happens, all of this would be much, much easier.-Peter's come out to Ned, May, Tony - only thing left is the world. It can’t be that hard, right?
Relationships: May Parker (Spider-Man) & Peter Parker, Ned Leeds & Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Series: i never promised you your dream boy [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1497749
Comments: 20
Kudos: 356





	the truth runs wild (like a tear down a cheek)

**Author's Note:**

> ok so this was originally going to be apart of a 5 + 1 fic, but that would have taken me a lot longer, and i really wanted to get something out for you guys after not updating for over a month. that idea definitely will pop up again later, but for now, i cut it up, added a few things, and now you have this. it's similar to my own public coming out in some ways, isn't in others. who knows?
> 
> also! like i've said before, this is not supposed to be a representation of every trans person's experience. some struggles are universal, but none of us are the same and we all go through things differently. we might choose to come out, we might not. we might want to pass, we might not. it all depends, and it's all valid.
> 
> on the same subject, the feedback i've gotten on this - a series that started out as just a way to get my feelings out - is absolutely incredible and i love each and every one of you for reading, leaving kudos, bookmarking, & commenting. the amount of appreciation(???? wild) i get for writing irondad compared to other fandoms i've written for in the past is astounding, and it means the world. it's extremely motivating, honestly.
> 
> enjoy!

Coming out is _weird._

Before he ever does, Peter thinks it’s this big, one time thing, where you announce to the world that you are who you are and that’s that. Turns out? It’s not. It’s really, really not.

Especially for someone gay _and_ trans.

(That seems to be an oxymoron for a lot of people.)

Turns out, you come out a lot more than once, and you don’t have the same experience every time. With May, it’s emotional and teary and very, very draining to the point that Peter takes the world’s best nap afterwards. With Ned, it’s informal, laidback, because everything is like that when he’s around. With Tony - well, it’s a mixture of both. The actual coming out is.. it leaves something to be desired, sure, but it ends okay. It ends better than okay.

With the world, it’s fucking terrifying.

It’s not that he needs to. In fact, Peter could, theoretically, spend the rest of his life in the closet if he really wanted to. Let that door stay firmly closed. Maybe throw in a few locks for good measure. Because he passes. People look at him and think, _wow, that guy definitely hasn’t hit puberty yet_ instead of _she’s a girl._ People look at him and see what’s on the surface, and that surface has been carefully built over the years. No one sees the binder squeezing his chest, the sock stuffed into his pants, the blood on his boxers and no one _ever_ sees the dysphoria, the crippling self-hatred that follows him in every sense of the word. No, they see a completely average, run-of-the-mill guy, who might be a little on the short side but is, by all accounts, cis.

It’s not that he needs to. But a small part of him wants to.

When gym class is converted into sex ed for a semester in sophomore year, Peter keeps quiet. He fidgets with his backpack, wraps a loose thread from his jeans around his finger until it becomes numb. He listens to the endless droning of the video on the wheeled-in TV about hormonal changes and safe sex and erections for five minutes before he considers suicide by pencil. He wants to scream. Wants to rip the invisible tape off his mouth and scream that everything the video covered is only meant for cisgender, heterosexual people, and isn’t going to help him in any way because he’s! Not! That!

But he doesn’t.

And that small part of him grows bigger.

It manifests during the worst times, too. Like in the middle of the hallway when Flash throws homophobic slurs around as if they’re candy and the question _what would you do if I was_ rests on the tip of Peter’s tongue. Or like when he’s in English and transgender bathroom laws are the topic of the day in their debate unit - because clearly, his right to freaking pee was such a pressing issue - and the ignorance so casually radiating from his classmates makes him clench his fists and shove down the urge to shout that they are actually sitting next to a trans person, that annoying, dorky, weird Peter Parker is the scary, faraway concept they think is so absurd.

He doesn’t do anything then, either.

But he _wants to._

"What do you think would happen if I just wore a trans flag to school with no context?" Peter asks randomly, opening up a bag of chips as he sits on top of the kitchen counter. It's a Tony Weekend - at least, that's what he calls it in his head, those weekends where he shows up to the compound on a Friday and stays until Sunday, eating junk food and watching bad comedies - but he can't stop thinking about the prospect of coming out. He takes a handful of Doritos and chews on them thoughtfully. "Would people get the message? Hm, maybe I could be like MJ and just aggressively share posts about LGBT+ rights on social media, that always seems to get the point across - "

"I wish I had the slightest idea of what you're talking about, kid," Tony calls from his spot on the couch without looking up. He's going through movies as per usual, on the hunt to find anything bad enough to be entertaining. "Backtrack just a bit. I can't keep up with you youngsters."

Peter rolls his eyes, even though he can’t see it. "I wanna come out. Like, publicly."

Tony nods, like the meaning of those words don't fully sink in, but then they do, and he immediately stops scrolling. He sits up a little straighter, looking over at Peter attentively. "You what?"

He doesn't answer for a second.

"I just - I'm tired," he finally says. "Of - of lying, you know?"

"You're not - "

"I am, Mr. Stark," Peter interrupts. "I appreciate it, but I am. I have been since, well, forever. And I'm tired of it. I don't.. I don't like pretending." He stares down at the floor, studying the texture, before getting up and walking over to where Tony is seated. He sits down next to him, pulling his knees up to his chest. "I don't wanna keep it a secret anymore, I think."

It feels like a million fireworks are being shot off in Peter's brain at the same time, blowing up into a million more thoughts, but also leaving ash and smoke and all the other things he can't think with in the process. Tony rests a gentle hand on his shoulder, and he leans into it instinctively.

"I can't tell you what to do," Tony says after a moment. "If that's what you're looking for, buddy, I can't do that."

Peter's lips twitch, if only slightly. "Stop calling me out like this."

"It's my job, kid. Who would I be without it?"

"Probably nicer to be around."

"Hey!" Tony exclaims. He ruffles his hair, then continues, "For real, Pete, listen. It's your decision, and I think you know that. But no matter what you do, whether you tell everyone or not, I'll be here for you. Okay?"

Peter smiles. "Okay."

-

They don’t talk about it again, mostly because it doesn’t get brought up and Peter has no idea what Tony could even do to help in the first place. He’s great, and if he could tell everyone for him that would be even greater because no one messes with Iron Man, but Peter is Peter and, well, Peter sucks.

He spends an afternoon sitting on his bedroom floor, scouting the internet and watching YouTube videos for inspiration. And a little advice. He’s desperate, okay?

_"The main thing I wish I’d known is that there’s no perfect time to come out, honestly. I ended up telling my dad I was gay in a McDonald’s parking lot, so. Yeah."_

Peter snorts. He learned a while ago that there really isn’t a perfect time, and waiting for it is useless.

Doesn't mean he can’t vividly daydream about it, though.

_"I never really 'decided' I was trans. It's like.. okay, you know when you can't remember a word, even though you know you know it? It's right there, but you just can't place it, until you finally do and it's the best thing ever but you also feel dumb because it seems so obvious afterwards? That's what it was like, figuring out my gender. I didn't decide to remember the word. It just came to me."_

That’s the misconception that bothers Peter the most. He didn’t suddenly wake up one day and _decide_ to be a boy. He didn’t shrug his shoulders and think _you know what, I’m bored, I should be transgender._ And if everyone could stop acting like that's how it happens, all of this would be much, much easier.

_"Hey. So today I'm going to talk about my coming out, which actually went a lot better than I expected.."_

_"Welcome to today's vlog, where I'll be looking at the questions I asked you guys to send me on Twitter. First one is asking how I told people I was nonbinary.."_

_"If you're going to come out, don't do what I did.."_

Peter groans, slamming his laptop shut and pushing it away from him. He presses his hands against his eyes, a headache already beginning to form. Taking out his phone, he shoots off a text to Ned.

> ptrprkr: ned help  
>  guyinthechair: what?  
>  ptrprkr: i’m having a crisis  
>  ptrprkr: like, not just a crisis, but a Crisis™️  
>  guyinthechair: you have several of those a day, peter  
>  guyinthechair: what is this Crisis™️ about  
>  ptrprkr: first of all, rude  
>  ptrprkr: second of all, i kinda sorta maybe wanna come out?  
>  ptrprkr: u know, at school  
>  guyinthechair: :O

His phone begins to vibrates with an incoming call. Ned's picture pops up on the screen, and he accepts it.

"Dude," Ned says, forgoing all greetings. "Dude, are you serious?"

"Why would I not be?"

"Shut up, I'm dumb. Anyway, you really want to? Like, to the whole school?"

Peter scratches the side of his neck, uncertain. "Yeah. What, do you not think it's a good idea?"

"No! No, if you want to, it's cool. It's super cool. But you just always avoided it in the past. What changed?"

"I don't know, to be honest," he admits, which is the truth. He's always dealt with this, always dealt with the fact that he's trans and not all the way out and not necessarily proud, either. What _did_ change? What made him want to say something so bad? "I just really, really want to. What do you think? Should I?"

Ned goes quiet, thinking. "That's up to you, Peter. I don't wanna, like, push you one way or the other."

"Funny. Tony said the same thing," Peter says, leaning backwards against his bed frame. "Okay, fine, don't push me. But.. you'll have my back if I do, right?"

"Peter, no offense, but that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Of course I got your back. You're my best friend." 

A warm feeling rises in him at those words - one of the only good things he's felt recently. "Thanks."

"Duh. Now, I've been meaning to call you anyway because I just got this new Lego set and it's _so_ cool.."

-

A week later, Aunt May takes the both of them out to eat at a Mexican restaurant down the street. She says she recently got a bonus at work and wanted to do something nice, but Peter suspects she saved up the money instead. He doesn't say anything about it, but he gives her a tighter hug than usual to make up for it.

They eat and crack jokes and update each other on the stuff going on in their lives, and Peter realizes halfway through his enchilada - Jesus Christ, he didn't know enchiladas could taste this good - just how little they get to do this kind of thing.

"Hey," he says, swallowing his food. "Hey, thanks for this."

"It's no problem, honey," May smiles. She looks him up and down. "I've missed talking to you. You're always so busy, doing teenager things."

Peter can't help but grin. "Teenager things?"

"Yes. Are you making fun of me?"

"I'm not, I'm not," he laughs. "But dang, you're old."

"Just you wait. You'll be growing gray hairs before you know it."

A comfortable silence settles between them, and Peter slurps his soda.

"So I've been thinking," he starts, setting his cup down. "And.. I want to come out. At school."

He's not quite sure what he thought May would say to that, but all she does is hum. "Alright."

"Alright?"

"Alright," she repeats. She cocks her head. "You know I love you, and if you want to do that, I'm 100% supportive. What do you want me to say?"

Peter blushes. "Nothing. I just.. I don't know how to do it, I guess."

He doesn't, and it frustrates him. There are so many ways to come out, and he doesn't know which one is good, which one is the most effective, which one won't make him the laughing stock of Midtown. He knows that some people won't like it and will probably try and make his life hell as a result, but Peter has always tried to please everyone. It's a bit of a bad habit.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course, honey. Always."

Peter's throat constricts. He looks out at the people milling around them, and sees a little girl sitting with her family, intently coloring her children's menu. Turning back to May, he says, "Do you.. do you think Ben would have supported me.. being trans?"

May blinks once, twice as the question sinks in, and everything about her softens. She reaches forward, taking his hand in her own and squeezing it. "Oh, baby, yes. A thousand times, yes."

Despite his best efforts, Peter's eyes fill with tears. "Really?"

"Yes. I never.. I never realized you weren't able to tell him. Oh, Peter, yes, he would have."

"But.. I mean, would he have understood?"

"Even if he didn't, he would have tried," May says, close to crying as well. "Just like I did. Probably even more, if that's possible. He loved you, Peter, so much, and I have no doubt in my mind that he'd be proud of the man you're becoming."

Peter goes to respond, to say something like _you don't know how much that means to me_ or _I regret never telling him when I could have because now he's gone,_ but their waitress walks up to their table and he stops. "Would you like your check?"

May gazes at him a minute longer, face earnest, before looking up at the waitress. "Yes, please."

-

That same night, Peter finds himself staring at a blank Facebook status in complete darkness.

 _Hi guys,_ he writes, cringes, then deletes it. His thumbs do that weird thing they do when he doesn’t know what to type, and he bites his lip.

 _So I wanted to let all of you know something about me,_ Peter tries again, which doesn’t look too bad. _I don’t know who will care, but.._

He groans, dropping his phone against his chest. Words are too hard. He’s done this three times before, so why is this so difficult? It never gets easier, never not makes his heart race and palms sweat. It’s like riding a bike for the first time after you learned how, and you know it will be fine as long as you don’t think too much about it, but then you think too much and you end up stumbling and skinning your knees. 

Peter is currently in the middle of skinning his knees. With old scabs still there. On concrete.

Picking up his phone again, he begins to type without a goal in mind. It’s shaky at first, hesitant and filled with spelling mistakes that he has to go back to correct, but he keeps going, explaining who he was, who he is, who he isn’t and doesn’t want to be. He backtracks and rambles and spends too long on certain things, but he doesn’t stop until he’s satisfied. Then he goes and cleans it up, erasing and clarifying and expanding on what he can.

When he’s finished, Peter feels like he just ran a marathon. He rereads what he wrote - _I’m gay, which isn’t the main point of this but I figured I should kill two birds with one stone. What I really want to say is that I’m also transgender. I’m gay and transgender -_ and he almost wants to find typos to fix, wants to stall time so he doesn’t have to think about posting it, but he can’t. His entire life is in these five, six paragraphs, and he’s a click away from sharing that to everyone he knows.

What will Flash do? Will he torment him more? What about the decathlon team? Will they even want to know him? Should he tell his teachers? What if he loses the few friends he has? What if they see him as a freak?

"Stop it," he mumbles. "Stop overthinking. Just.. do it."

His finger hovers over the post button. He thinks back to when he and Ned went swimming a few years ago and he got pushed into doing a flip off the diving board. Climbing up the ladder felt like scaling a mountain. The apprehension, the nerves before he jumped, isn't that different from what it is now.

_Post._

_Uploading.._

_Uploading.._

_Post successful. Click to see._

Peter struggles to get his next breath in. He knows he’s dangerously on the edge of a panic attack, and it’s all he can do to exit the app, fumble for his contacts, and press the familiar number without breaking. He puts it on speaker and practically throws his phone away from him so it’s still on his bed but out of reach.

Tony answers on the fourth ring. "Kid? Why are you calling me? It's.." There's some ruffling on his end. "One in the morning." Worry starts to creep into his voice, though he does a good job at masking it. "What's wrong? Are you on patrol? It's past your curfew, you know this."

Peter shakes his head quickly, before remembering that he can't see his face. He twists his fingers anxiously and gazes up at the ceiling, trying to resist the urge to check his notifications. "I - I'm not, I'm home."

"Then what's up? You don't usually call this late - "

"I just came out on Facebook," he says all in one breath. "I spent, like, two hours on this post, and I wasn't gonna post it but then I did, and it's late but people are probably gonna see it, and if they don't they will tomorrow when we're at school, and Ned will be there with me because he's great, but like, I think I'm panicking and I thought I'd call you, shit, why did I - wait, did I wake you up?"

"No," Tony says, apparently understanding the situation remarkably fast. And Peter had forgotten that the man's sleep schedule is just as messed up as his is. Then, "No, you didn't. Don't worry about that. Breathe, okay? Can you do that?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I can."

"Good. Can you tell me what’s going on?"

Peter forces himself to calm down. Taking a gulp of air, he says, "I came out. On Facebook. Because I have everyone from school on there." He wishes, suddenly, that Tony was here physically rather than on the phone, because then he could curl into his side and tuck his head away and pretend that nothing happened. "And you're on speaker, because I'm, uh, too scared to see if anyone has said anything yet."

Tony lets out a sigh of relief, probably reassured that Peter’s not bleeding out in an alley somewhere. "I see. You did real good, buddy. I'm proud of you. That took guts."

"T-Thank you," Peter whispers, and he means it. He hadn't realize how badly he wanted to hear that until he did.

"You don't have to check your phone if that's too much, but I promise it won't be as bad as you're thinking it will be," he continues. "And if it happens to be, I will personally fight whoever it is. You aren't going through this alone."

 _You aren't going through this alone._ That echoes in Peter's head, over and over.  
  
"Okay. I won't look at it tonight. I'll.. I'll try to sleep."

Tony clears his throat, and Peter might just be imagining things, but he sounds a little emotional. "Good. You should. I know I said it, but I'm proud of you, alright? You got this."

The call ends soon after that, and Peter sighs, pulling his blanket up to his chin. He's got this. No matter how tomorrow goes, he has people on his side, and that fact alone makes it a little easier for him to fall asleep.


End file.
